1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
5. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
6. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
7. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
9. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.
10. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
11. Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
Bill had been getting progressively more bald at a very young age, and it was depressing him quite a bit.
Eventually, he decided to get a wig, and the following evening he came into the pub looking 10 years younger, with a full head of jet black hair.
The locals admired his new look, and complimented him on how realistic it looked.
Eventually, Joe asked him for a closer look, and, though slightly embarrassed, he slipped the wig off and handed it over.
However, as soon as Joe took the wig, he began to complain about everything: the weather, his job, the quality of the pint, anything and everything you could think of.
Puzzled by this irresistable urge to moan, he handed the wig to Tom to give back to Bill, and suddenly his normal good humour re-asserted itself.
Tom, however, even in the few seconds he had the wig in his hands, had already announced to the pub that his wife was useless: couldn’t cook, and was ferociously dirty around the house, but not, unfortunately, when she got to bed.
Again, as soon as he had handed the wig back to Bill, the torrent of complaints dried up, and he was his old cheerful self again.
The three friends, completely confused and puzzled, were starting to discuss what on earth had happened, when the barman leant across the counter towards them, and told them not to worry about it.
“Why?” they asked.
“Ah, ’tis perfectly natural, lads!” he said. “Sure doesn’t everybody complain when they have Bill’s toupee?”
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
With the death this week of Michael Jackson, the world seemed to hold its collective breath, awaiting every word. I was never a fan of his music, and less so of his impact on popular culture. Of course I am not a particular fan of what, today, passes for popular culture at all. Anyway, I dug this old poem out of my archive, since it seems appropriate for the current situation mentioned above, plus it mentions Michael and Madonna as representing the debasement of our culture. Not that they are alone in that, but were at the time I wrote this, highly representative of that debasement. I wrote it about the time of Jackson’s last child molestation trial, just to put it into a time frame.
A madman shakes a dead geranium
and the world just rolls on.
A sickly priest coughs in the night
and another day is gone.
Down the block a dog barks,
a car sputters to life.
The silence that surrounds all this
cuts through like a knife.
Blue aura of television glows
around the drawn shades.
Clouds invade a full-moon night
and ambient light just fades.
All seems right with our world,
if you think the worlds’ alright.
In daylight we shake our heads,
and we do the same at night.
Pop stars and movies queens
teach us how to live.
Never mind how unreal are
the lessons that they give.
The news is all about them,
not a word about plain folk.
Michael here, Madonna there,
our lives are just a joke.
But behind family walls
the tube just flickers on.
For an hour or two each night
we delay tomorrow’s dawn.
We cry at portrayed sadness
and laugh with the crowd,
making gods of the images
on TV turned up loud.
Beyond our doors is darkness,
but we are illumined
in the light from the set
that makes us all feel human.
Meanwhile the madman
still roams empty streets,
and priests breathe their last
wrapped in sweaty sheets.
The world goes on without us,
but yet we play our part,
our feelings are up on the screen,
having fled our empty heart.
The clover is a’blooming,
corn shoots growing high,
summer is a’ happening,
it’s now near July.
Heat waves are rising,
in the middle of the day,
from the fields and lawns,
summer’s in full sway.
Even breezes feel
hot on open skin,
shade does not help,
it’s summer once again.
The sun rains down
with its searing heat,
turning gold the wheat.
The air is oppressive,
its tentacles do weave,
making movement difficult,
making it hard to breathe.
But these days are short,
autumn looms close by,
Indiana summers fail
no matter how much they try.
For too soon comes fall,
and winter follows close,
and spring is too fleeting,
the seasons are morose.
But for those days
when summer does rule
I will gladly suffer,
the eternal seasonal fool.
For but a moment
the world is a’right,
when summer days
give forth to autumn’s night.
I wasn’t really all that wrapped up in the saga of Mark Sanford, Republican Governor of South Carolina regarding his disclosure of an ongoing affair with a woman from Argentina. After all, I’m not from South Carolina, I’m not a Republican, and am no particular fan of Sanford’s.
Then Rush Limbaugh opened his mouth, and now I feel compelled to respond, more to Rush’s lamebrained diatribe to the Sanford’s personal problems.
Sanford had been talked about as a possible contender for the Republican nomination for President in 2012, but that has now, of course, come to an end. His political career is now hobbled, if not totally derailed, because of his secret dalliance in Argentina. Even though nothing terrible happened to South Carolina while he was out of the country, “crying in Argentina” as he so flippantly put it, and directing his staff to lie for him, people are going to have “trust issues” with Sanford now, and so his presidential hopes have dimmed.
Naturally, the question is: Who is to blame for all of this. And the answer, of course, is Mark Sanford. Or is it? You see, Rush Limbaugh has an excellent theory of who is really to blame, as his Excellence in Broadcasting network name implies that he would.
LIMBAUGH: This Sanford business! I’ll tell you, one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind, with Mark Sanford … this is the first thought: What he did defies logic. This is … more than being 180 degrees out of phase because of lust, or love. To split the scene for five days, and we know he’s been separated, and he knows, by the way, that the newspaper in his state has the emails between him and his concubine down there in Argentina, he knows this. He knows that somebody knows what’s going on. He knows his wife knows. So he ups and leaves for five days, doesn’t leave anybody in charge of the state, in case there’s an emergency.
Right about now, you imagine that Limbaugh is building up to some “thinking with his penis” type of statement, right? One would logically think so, but once again Rush brushes logic aside in favor of a more visceral theory.
LIMBAUGH: This is almost like: I don’t give a damn! Country’s going to hell in a handbasket. I just want out of here! He had just tried to fight the stimulus money coming to South Carolina. He didn’t want any part of it. He lost the battle and said “What the hell? The Federal government is taking over! I want to enjoy life!”
And from there, it goes on, following this kooky idea to the obvious conclusion that Mark Sanford’s marital indiscretions are all President Barack Obama’s fault. After all, to follow Limbaugh’s rhetoric, the President has killed people’s “spirit,” and made them so “fed up” with the SADNESS that they’ve had no other choice but to abdicate their grown-up responsibilities and start philandering, “before Obama takes away their money” and “their house.”
To drive another nail in the coffin of Democratic blame, Rush points out that Bill Clinton was in Argentina “the other night,” too, implying that everyone, even former Democratic presidents are going to Buenos Aires, for succor. It will be a marvel and a wonder if any 2012 contender hasn’t logged some serious time with Latin American mistresses. Well, except for Sarah Palin who will probably trade in an Alaskan snow mobiler for an Argentine goucho sometime between now and 2012.
Anyway, I think we can all agree that this is a very cunning plan by President Obama, who somehow managed to depress Sanford’s spirits so much that, by Sanford’s own timelilne, he started having an affair months before Obama even became President and started enacting policies. Actually at a time when Sanford was being mentioned as a possible VP candidate on the McCain ticket.
But then, this is just how Obama’s parents and the State of Hawaii planned it out when they spirited the Kenyan infant into the United States and faked his citizenship! “The perfect scheme!” they said, “This mixed-race boy will surely have no trouble winning the presidency! And then, we will totally have our revenge on a South Carolina Governor we’ve never even heard of yet, for some reason!”
And they almost got away with it!