Groaners

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, “I’m bereft of inspiration. Prepare me a martini.”
The bartender replies, “Olive or twist?”

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N’-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, “May I have just an order of fries?”
The brother said, “Hold on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip monk.”

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. 
This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. 
Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” 
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. 
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire  in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root canal work?  
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” 
”No, I’m sorry, “replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn’t want any Mo.

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