20 of Steven Wright’s Funniest Jokes

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

2. I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.

3. I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

4. Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.

5. Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.

6. I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.

7. I went to a tourist information booth and said “tell me about some people who were here last year.”

8. I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

9. Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

10. I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

11. When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

12. I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.

13. I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.

14. When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?

15. I’ve written several children’s books … Not on purpose.

16. I called the wrong number today. I said “Hello, is Joey there?” A woman answered and she said “yes he is.” And I said ‘can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘no, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.” I said “alright, I’ll wait.”

17. I went to a place to eat. It said “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

18. We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.

19. I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

20. I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.

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