Best Stephen Colbert Quotes

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.”


“A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?”

“After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.”

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”

“America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.”

“Baptists: I’m a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don’t go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much.”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“Divorce is marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.”

“Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.”

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

“I hold a little fundraiser every day. It’s called going to work.”

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don’t know what I’d believe in if it wasn’t for that.”

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