The Deer Camp

All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Leon , because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Leon and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, ” Leon snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Leon shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Leon into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Leon sat up and watched me all night.”

With age comes wisdom.

Mitt Romney Jokes

A Liberal, a Conservative and a Libertarian walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll ya have, Mitt?”

Mitt Romney says he’s never paid less than 13% in taxes, which is probably fair because only 13% of his money is in this country.

They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. Of course, truth be told, an amoeba could humanize Romney.

Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.

Q: How did Mitt Romney make hundreds of millions of dollars?
A: By turning $21 an hour jobs into $9 an hour jobs.

Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman. Which is better than his grandfather, who believed that it should be between one man and five women.

Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.

Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.

Q: What book does Mitt Romney want to read to our children
A: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-fish

Jeb and Jethro

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

“Jeb says we’re gonna need some 4 x 2’s” Jethro tells the yardman.

“Do you mean 2 x 4’s?” asks the yardman.

“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask Jeb” says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

“Jeb says we’re gonna need 2 x 4’s” Jethro tells the yardman.

“Now, how many 2 x 4’s will you need?” asks the yardman.

“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask Jeb.” says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

“Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of ’em” Jethro tells the yardman.

“Now, how long do you want them?” asks the yardman.

“Well, I don’t rightly know, I better go ask Jeb” says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, “Jeb says you better give ’em to us for a while . . . we’re gonna build a barn.”

A Farmer and His Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

Waiting in Line

This guy is taking his girl friend to a nice, formal party, and he’s got a lot to do to get everything together.

First he has to rent a tux, so he heads to the formal wear shop. When he gets there, a long line of other guys are already waiting for tuxes for weddings, other parties or whatever. After a long wait he finally picks out his tux and gets fitted for his size and leaves the store with the tux.

Next he goes to the flower shop to pick out a corsage. Again, a long line of customers is already ahead of him wanting flower arrangements, corsages, etc. He waits and waits, slowly moving up in the line until he finally gets waited on and picks out the right corsage for the occasion.

Now he wants to show up to the event in style, and to show off a little to his girlfriend, so he wants to rent a limo. He goes to the limousine service to make arrangements. He is once again frustrated that a long line of other people are waiting to rent limos. After what seems like hours, he finally gets waited on, picks out a nice white limo and makes arrangements for a driver and the time and day when he’ll need the service.

The next night is the party, so after the limo picks him up, they cruise across town and he picks up his obviously impressed girlfriend. He picked her up early so they could have a light dinner at a nice restaurant before showing up for the party. When they pull up in front of the restaurant he’s promised to take her to, a line stretches around the block. They barely end up having time to get to the party once they finally get seated, order, and eat their dinner.

When they arrive at the party site, a long line of people are standing around outside the club in formal wear waiting their turn to be allowed in. The guy pulls the tickets out of his tuxedo jacket pocket and waits and waits and waits with his girl on his arm. Finally his turn comes to present his tickets and they are allowed entry to the object of the evening’s focus. A wonderful party is taking place with a live band, dancing, finger foods, and drinks. Groups of people are standing around in conversation, others are dancing, some are seated having drinks.

His girl and him dance for awhile, engage in some conversations with people they don’t know, and are genuinely having a good time. Then his girlfriend says that she’s hungry, so they find a table and he goes off to the buffet line for some food. Once again he has to stand in line for a long, long time. By the time he gets back to the table with food, the girlfriend has sat by herself for almost an hour and is starting to get bored. She’s also acquired quite a thirst to go along with her hunger, so she asks him to get her a glass of punch. Knowing what is going to come next, he sadly agrees to go get her what she wants.

He heads across the gigantic ball room in search of beverages, and is amazed that when he reaches his destination, there’s no punch line.

The Argument

A wife and her husband were having an argument. 

The woman screamed at him. “I want you to leave and get out of the house now!”

Resigned the husband headed for the for the door.

However the woman continued to harp at him. She yelled, “I hope you die and suffer a slow and agonizing death!”

He turned around and said to her, “So now you want me to stay!”

Jokes: Short and Sweet

What’s the easiest way to pay a musician?
Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza.

What do you call a drummer who’s just broken up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma has a pause and the end of its clause.

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm’s Law.
It’s my P.S. de resistance.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?

What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
A helephino!

What did the hat say to the scarf?
“You hang around – I’ll go on ahead.”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 32? 
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

One Day, at the Church… (in two acts)

Act One

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: “How can you do the job? You can’t pull the rope!” Hunchback: “I have a cunning plan – but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is.” .. So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: “Okay, show me your plan.”

The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure enough, he rings the bell. So, despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.

Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he’s a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.

A crowd gathers around the hunchback’s mangled body lying in the street; the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.

A policeman arrives and asks the bishop, “Who is this guy?”

The bishop replies: “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

Act Two

The next day, a man (who has arms) arrives, claiming to be the hunchbacks brother. “Hi, I’ve come to take over my brother’s job.” The bishop offers his condolences for the loss of his brother, and then escorts him to the tower.

“Your brother used to ring the bell with his face,” said the Bishop. “Will you do that, too, or will you use your arms?” The hunchback’s brother replies “If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!” So saying, he runs full bore at the bell, glances off it with his face, falls out the window and to his death in the street below.

The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd gathers.

A policeman once again arrives and asks the bishop, “Do you know who this man is?”

The bishop replies, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Hard of Hearing

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he Was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph , for the FIFTH  time, CHICKEN!”

The Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, decided to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”